I wish I could put my finger on exactly what it is, but I know when I hear or read something that has to do whatever is lacking in my soul, my heart starts pounding and I feel like weeping - whether with joy or sorrow I do not know.

It started with a baseball game. (I'm sure I must have blogged about this before. So if you read this blog consistently, pardon my redundancy.) My family went to a baseball game and as we were walking from the parking lot to the stadium we passed dozens of homeless people saying they were hungry and asking for food. I didn't have any money and, logically, I know it's not really smart to pull out your wallet and just hand someone money, so I did what most everyone did. Look straight ahead and walk right on by.

But I can't begin to tell you what happened in my heart at that moment. I knew that Jesus would not just have walked by. But I didn't know what else to do. I love to eat and have never been hungry in my life. What if that were me, hungry and cold, sitting on the side of the road hoping someone would have pity on me?

But still, I walked right on by. And I have regretted it ever since.
I did vow that if I ever went to that stadium again, I'd take a bag full of bananas, bread and granola bars and pass them out as I went along. Being hungry is a terrible thing.

But in church a couple weeks ago, a new vision popped into my head. An idealistic one, but I really believe it was more than just a passing thought of my own fruition. I was thinking about my life and how little I do for others. And I started thinking about what my gifts are. Hospitality is not one of my gifts, as much as I would like it to be. But I can talk to pretty much anyone, and I do love to cook! So why not use those two "gifts" to reach out to those around me?

So in this vision I had 2 houses. One in the country (because I love the country) that I lived in with my family and one in the city that was used as a "ministry" house. (This is also as a safety precaution. Because, unfortunately, you have to be cautious these days.) It was a house that had 1 little bedroom, a kitchen, dining room, living room and bathroom. Nothing fancy - decorated simply. It would be in this house that my family ate dinner every evening. We would invite friends and have dinner and then relax in the living room playing games (there would be no TV or computers) or reading until it was time to head home for bed.

Before I continue on to the next part, let me clarify the basis for this whole idea. I don't think poor or homeless people need just food, although that is a basic necessity. Being poor, they are also the outcasts of our society. Most people look on them with disgust or pity. But a basic need that I have is to feel loved and valued. And food eaten alone is never as good as food shared.
So if I came across a homeless person, I would not just give them a granola bar and buy them dinner. Instead, I would invite them over for dinner. As a guest.

And at dinner, they would join in as part of the family. And they would be served on real dishes with cloth napkins and glass goblets. (Nothing expensive because if they were to steal it, who cares! Just buy more.) But something nice to make them feel extra special. Like an important human being. And if they wanted to take a shower, they could. And if they wanted to stay after dinner and play games with the family or read, they could do that as well.

I think the thing about this "ministry" is that it isn't a ministry that you get a grant for. It's a lifestyle - a way of living that shows Jesus to those around you by truly loving them and meeting both their physical and emotional needs. And it's a kind of lifestyle that I want to raise my children with. I want them to be comfortable around those that are marginalized - to learn early on that they are people who need love, not charity, just as much as you and I.

So this was the idea. But I have no idea how to even make that play out in our lives here in Allegany county. There are so many needy people here but you don't see them on the street. And we certainly don't have the money to buy a house (let alone 2!)

Lately I've been hearing or reading about other people that have this call to love and serve the marginalized. One of those is a couple from Asbury (2, actually), who went and started a "church" in Chapel Hill, NC called "Love Chapel Hill." And that's what they do. They just love the people. They hold services on Sundays but the majority of their time is spent putting money in the parking meters, or handing out pb&j sandwiches, or hot chocolate on a cold day, or making meals for the homeless. Again, not out of charity, but out of love. Because they aren't just targeting the homeless or the poor - they target EVERYONE. Professors, students, day workers, homeless... everyone treated equal.

And just now I read an article on a family in England who sold their home and bought 10 acres of woods to start a community for people in crisis - a place where they would live together, work the land together... a place where those who are welcomed no where else are welcome and loved .

People are doing these things. And my heart aches to give up everything and join them. I know that the work I do has meaning and it's for a good cause and all that jazz. But each day that I go to work, work all day, go home, cook dinner, write music, watch TV and go to bed, I feel my soul dying a little bit. Because that ache in my heart doesn't go away. It is sometimes overpowered by logic and the burden of knowing we can't just give up everything because student loans don't just go away. But it is always there - that longing for something more. A better way of living.

And I wish I knew where to start.

... since I've posted. I don't normally go so long. I don't know why, I just haven't been in the mood to blog. Life has been quite busy for us I guess I just haven't wanted to take the time and energy to blog about it all.
So let me do this the easy way and sum up some of the things we have been up to:

Charles has been subbing and when he's not subbing he has been working hard at researching fun things like cast iron skillets and trying to keep busy.

I have been busy working my day job and then spending my evenings composing (I'm trying to finish up a piece for my graduate application), researching some publishers (I think I found a couple possibilities) and applying for graduate school next year. I had a great, great convo with Dr. Hijleh last week about possibilities. I'm currently leaning toward the MMus in Composition. However, I am trying to work out something with the music dept (so far they are going for it!) and the Business Department to see if I can, in a sense, create my own Master of Arts in Music and Business - kind of a music management degree. I think that would really utilize both my love of music and my gifts in that area as well as my ability to organize, manage (because those of you who know me well know that I love to manage things and be in charge!), and think logically. So if I can work out some kind of deal, that's what I'm going to do. I still have my work cut out for me. I have to write an essay, wait to hear back from potential references, finish writing out my string orchestra piece, locate an old paper to turn in (glad I kept a couple. I don't think I kept much from undergrad), prepare music for my audition and start studying for my music history (blah), aural skills and theory entrance exams. After 5 years, it's safe to say that I am a little rusty on all of those. So as you can see, I am going to be pretty busy the next couple of months.

Combine that with cooking, shopping, trying to get time in with friends... most of our evenings our jam-packed full. Friday night was the first night Charles have had the entire evening alone in awhile. We were pretty zonked so we just chilled up in the loft and watched "Everything Is Alluminated" with Elijah Wood. (Highly recommend it, by the way.)

Last Tuesday night we drove up to Toronto so Charles could visit Wycliffe College (at the University of Toronto) - a potential PhD program for next year. We managed to make it safely through rush hour traffic and stayed with our friends Brie and Jesse who have a house right in Toronto and that was a lot of fun. We ate delicious chicken bruschetta pizza and watched a movie and then Charles and Jesse stayed up altogether way too late playing video games.
Wednesday we got up early and caught the subway to U of T. It is a great area of the city and part of me just wants to pack up and move there. It reminds me so much of Melbourne, Australia - another city that I love. The school and the people are wonderful. The community reminded me a lot of St. Pats - just one big happy family. It made me really miss St. Pats and I could see Charles being a great fit there. So we just need to start praying that, financially, something will work out. In our minds there is this perfect plan that would work but who knows what God's plan is or if anything will come to fruition. But we are certainly hoping something will.

In other very exciting news, it turns out that I am going to get to go to Nashville for the FSA conference after all. I was all signed up to go with Asbury but then I took the job at Houghton. Troy usually alternates who goes to the conferences - last year Marianne and Kayann went and this year he was going to go. However, with all the changes that are happening in the realm of financial aid right now, he really wanted someone else along - to get as much information as possible on the changes. BUT he couldn't afford another room at the OPRYLAND HOTEL (amazing place!). However, my wonderful and gracious (previous) boss at Asbury is letting me crash in their room during that time! So I get to go after all. And now, because it is so much farther, I get to fly. Awesome. A good conference at an awesome hotel for a week, getting to hang out with some Asbury folk that I miss a lot, and flying to top it all off = I couldn't be more excited.

As for the weather, we were so blessed this weekend to have WONDERFUL weather. Especially for November. We took advantage on Saturday and went for a 6 mile walk with Rich and Val. What a great time! We walked up to the Dam at Rushford lake and then down around by Moss lake. In my 4 years of college here I never, ever went to Rushford late. And it's only a 20 minute walk (or 3 minute drive). WHAT WAS I THINKING?? It was just beautiful. There is this gorge after the dam and they call it "Little Letchworth" and it is just so pretty. I really love nature. I love to see God's imagination in His creation. It makes my heart sing! And walking with Rich and Val means a good pace and great conversation. We have just been so blessed to have the most wonderful landlords - first the Hoyts and now the Perkins. Sometimes I think we are the most blessed people on the planet! :)
Yesterday was also a beautiful day and there was a point where I just needed to get out of the house so I took my uke and drove up to the lake and sat against a tree overlooking the water and played my heart out. The lake is kinda cool this time of year because they drain a lot of the water for winter. It looks kind of funny to have stairs and piers leading out into thin air! But you can see the lay of the land that is usually underwater. It's so cool how there are hills and valleys all under water. And there was still quite a bit of water left in the middle so people were out fishing and canoeing. I walked around on edge of the water for quite awhile. (Although I was in clogs which were not great for doing much exploring.)

In fun cooking news, Charles convinced me that we needed to get a cast iron skillet. He did all this research on the best kind to buy, how to season it, etc. So we got one on Saturday and I made my first pork tenderloin (with Rosemary potatoes). It was absolutely delicious (although not quite as good as Jenn's). And it is SO COOL to be able to take the pan right off the stove and throw it in the oven. I am a fan. And because Charles has all this newfound knowledge about culinary things (from all the Food Network that he watches), he is going to use that knowledge, and our new skillet, to make us delicious Ribeye steaks this week. I am VERY much looking forward to that.

And lastly, before I close this out for the day (and maybe another month, who knows), I just want to say how thankful I am for the friends we have here. Although we can never replace our friends from Asbury (who I know Charles misses so much) and I miss my Kate oh so much and all the time (there is just something wonderful and special about having a best friend and a "sister" that lives right upstairs that I will probably never get to experience again), but God has been faithful to fill that void. It has been neat to reconnect with old friends (like Jennifer and Justin, Alex and Deanna, Josh and Beth, Dan and Jess, Jacoby and Holcomb) AND make new friends (like Ben and Emily, Brandon and Emily, Rich and Valerie, Clark and Caroline...). I'm glad that I have married friends here who I can be honest with about the struggles of my job or life or marriage... it is something wonderful that is so easy to take for granted until you don't have it anymore.

And so, on that optimistic and happy note, I say adieu. Thanks for taking the time to hear the random thoughts of Captain Random! I hope this evening is full of delicous food and many blessings.

Tune in next time to hear about the ministry idea that the Lord put on my heart. :)

This past weekend Charles and I headed back to our old stomping grounds in KY for a wedding and to visit with friends and family. We had a wonderful, wonderful weekend and I have to admit, it was a bit hard to come back.

The day we left, it started snowing in Houghton. That definitely upped our desire to get back to the warmer south. Our time there was great and went all too quickly. I had time with Kate, I got to see all my old co-workers and all the changes that have happened to our area, ate at the Pub, went to a beautiful, meaningful wedding that, thank goodness, didn't end up being outside, went to a cook-out, went shopping (and found some great deals!)...

We packed a lot into 2 days. Wish it could have been 3. Or 4. It was strange being there and staying in sweaty betty, but not living there anymore. That part I didn't miss one iota. And I didn't get the slightest feeling of nostalgia for living in the basement. (Although I REALLY miss living so close to Kate.)

Anyhow, our time was marvelous. The weather and the traffic on the way home was great and we made great time. We had a lot of fun.

On the way down, Charles wasn't feeling well and didn't have much of a voice so it was a humorous trip. Every time he wanted to tell me something we had to play charades. Needless to say, I'm not good at charades in general but I really stink at it when I'm driving.
:)
Monday was back to work but we had Noelle's birthday part to look forward to Monday night. Our friends daughter turned 5 so we went and had cake and ice cream with her family which was so much fun. Knowing they were here made coming back from KY so much easier for me. It's good to know that, even though we had to leave friends and family (again), we were coming back to other friends and family. So, it's hard, but it's all good.

And some great news (for me anyway): this weekend is the Wesleyan Campus Challenge (basically a talent show where high schoolers compete for scholarships to the 5 Wesleyan colleges) and one of the girls from Avon is singing one of my arrangements, so that is very, very exciting for me. I'm glad I'll be around to hear her! I think it will suit her voice perfectly! It's not often that someone besides me uses one of my pieces or it gets played somewhere other than my own house, so having a public performance is really fun for me! If you want to hear it, stop by Houghton on Firday night!

I promise one of these days I'm going to write a meanginful post about something. But for now, I feel like life if going so quickly that I'm just trying to get down the day to day so that I have something to look back on and remember later. When life flies by, like it is, it's hard to remember that each individual day held something interesting or special!

Well, now it's hi-ho and hi-ho, off to work I go. TTFN.

Yesterday Charles went to a Sabres game in the evening so I had the house to myself all night. I have been writing tons and tons of music lately and even though having the house to myself would have been a great opportunity to do more writing and jamming, I decided to do what I almost never do. Just veg out in front of the TV.

Well, first I vegged out in front of the fireplace. I sat there for about an hour just eating a sandwich, warming up, reflecting on the day, and talking to my parents. Then I went upstairs and laid on the futon and watched old re-runs of Bones and Law and Order:SVU and during the commerials I watched the most recent SNL. I know, I know... such a bum. But honestly, I never really give my mind time to let go. I'm either thinking about work or music... never a dull moment in my mind. So last night I didn't think about anything.

I also went to bed early - 10:30ish. But it took me forever to fall asleep. I actually didn't even fall asleep until Charles came home.
This brings me to the paranoia part of my story.

Charles told me he would be home late. He didn't even leave for the game (in Buffalo) until 5 so I didn't expect him home until 1am or well after. So I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep when I hear a noise. But I couldn't tell what it was. It kind of sounded like someone was walking around the house. But it was only 11:30 or so and I thought Charles might peek his head in when he got home. Plus, usually when Charles goes up into the loft, it's like an elephant walking around. And I just heard a few light footsteps. So, of course, my overactive brain starts going a mile a minute and I start thinking "maybe I should have locked the door. what if someone just walked in and is stealing our stuff." Then I thought about going out to check and if someone really was stealing my computer I could say "Hello, I don't mind if you steal my computer but can I please get my music off it first, for that is irreplaceable." But then I thought "what if he has a gun and just shoots me before I can say anything"... etc etc ad nauseum.

So finally, after many long minutes of laying there, listening as carefully as I could to try and determine what was going on outside my room, I decided to text Charles and see when he thought he would be home. And I get a call from him immediately and he says "did you just text me? I'm in the bathroom." haha!

So with that comfort, I was able to fall quickly asleep.

Friday
We are starting to settle in here in NY and it's feeling like we've been here forever, even though it will only be a month this coming Friday. We have been so busy, busy, busy. In some ways, I feel like I never sit. But I love it! :)

This past weekend was Homecoming and it was a blast. I haven't been back for a homecoming since I graduated and I forgot how totally fun they were. It all started Friday when we had lunch with some of my music friends from college - Don and Devin Schuessler. And - surprise! - we were joined by a number of other music friends that I didn't know were going to be there! I had to go back to work for the rest of the afternoon and Charles represented Asbury at the job/grad school fair and that was a lot of fun for him!

Friday night we picked up chicken dinners at Houghton Academy (a fund raiser for the sr. trip) and ate them with the whole Woodard clan - John and Marie, Tom and Esther (Marie's parents), Jenn and Justin and their clan... it was a great time!

Then Charles, Jenn and I went to the college choir concert. It was just wonderful. Our college choir has always been wonderful but I had forgotten HOW good they were. And for the last song, Give Me Jesus (my favorite arrangement of that piece ever), they had all the college choir alum come up and sing. I was never in college choir - they practiced every day and I was kind of a bum - but it was nice to see my friends back up there singing! :)

Saturday
Saturday morning we got up decently early and went to the Parade! I think I only made it to one parade the whole 4 years I was here - I never wanted to get up early enough and it was usually raining and freezing. Well, the weather was miserable last week but Saturday morning was warm and beautiful - a perfect day for a parade! And Peter Savage, a kid I grew up with, was in the parade and threw a twix bar at my head so I even got a piece of candy! :)

After that we went to the new prayer chapel dedication. The service was lovely and the new chapel is absolutely beautiful. We are hoping Charles can use that for leading the daily Office, if that college ministry ever gets up and running.

As we walked out, we were surprised to run into my PARENTS! I knew they might be coming but hadn't heard for sure so it was fun to just run in to them. And then my brother came too! :) It was so fun to have the whole family there. We walked around and ate popcorn and cotton candy and chatted with friends, old and new.

We decided to go cheap and eat lunch at our place. Plus, Nate had never been there before. I had planned to just throw some sandwiches together but mom brought all the the fixings for Chili and cornbread. We are so spoiled. So my dad put the futon together up in the loft and mom made us lunch! Then, our friend Sean (from Godspeed) came over with his girlfriend Jess, who also went to Houghton (I recognized her but I didn't know her when we were in school) and had lunch with us as well! So, so fun.

THEN (I know, I suck at story telling because I don't know how to do it other than a play-by-play, but I want to remember all the fun things we did) we went back to school for the boys Varsity Soccer game. We lost and that was a bummer, but the game was still fun. Aimee DeHaven was up from Asbury so it was fun to see her. And I got to see Beth Hazelton (finally! I've been wanting to see her since we moved back) and meet her little girl, and also saw some other people from my class. fun fun.

After the game, we were pretty zonked. We were going to do dinner at Big Als but they were closed so my parents decided to just go home and we did the same. We crashed for an hour, munched on leftovers and watched some Food Network. At 9pm, although I was pretty exhausted and not sure if I wanted to go back out, we got all bundled up and went back to campus for cider and doughnuts, fireworks and SPOT. In the line for food we ran into our new friends, Brandon and Emily and ended up spending the rest of the evening with them. The fireworks were great and SPOT was hilarious, as usual! There were some funny songs, impressive jump roping, SNL knock-offs about campus policies and freshman couples... I laughed and laughed. It is good to be back!

We got home late - after 1am (well past my bedtime) and were going to watch an episode of Star Trek but neither of us could stay awake so we just crashed.

Sunday
Mom's 50th bday! We got up late, made the grocery list, grabbed the laundy, then headed out to Geneseo to pick up mom's present, groceries for us, some food for the party and headed to my parents. I had to get Gouda cheese which can only be found at Wegmans. I haven't been to Wegmans since we have been back. It is so expensive but WONDERFUL. Plus, we hadn't eated so decided to have a slice of Chicken Bacon Ranch Pizzaat Wegmans. It was sooooo good.
Mom's party was so much fun - most of our NY fam and her closest friends. It was a little chaotic but it was chaos of the best kind - where everyone is talking and laughing and reminiscing! There was SO much food. My dad was worried there wouldn't be enough but there was tons and tons. We ate til we were stuffed, had a trivia about mom, told some funny stories about her life and then went through an old photo album that my granda and nanny had and laughed at all the old pictures! :)

We left in decent time because my old roommate, Kendra, had called earlier and said they were around and thought they might drop by Sunday night. But they ended up deciding not to come, which was fine because Charles finished putting the futon together and we crashed - totally zonked after a busy weekend.

Monday
Yesterday was not much calmer. I did the work thing all day (took a break to have lunch with Charles and watch some SNL) and then we had dinner with our downstairs neighbors... a DELICIOUS dinner with roast (sooo tender), potatoes, salad, corn bread muffins, more veggies and an AMAZING turtle ice cream pie for dessert. It was heavenly! And the company was wonderful, too. After dinner we ended up going over to Rich and Valerie's place and Charles and Valerie played a game of scrabble and Rich and I played a racing game on XBox. And yes, I got my butt kicked at XBox by a retired sociology prof. hahaha! But it was SO much fun. They are just so fun to be around.

It was getting late at that point and Monday Night Football was starting so Charles went and watched that (Holcomb and Jacoby came over, too, which meant we had more food - chips and dip and ice cream) and I wrote some music. But, to my great frustration, when I was trying to isolate the piano part so I could hear it to get it down on paper, I actually deleted the whole thing. Not the whole piece, but the entire piano part. GAH. So that was very frustrating and after that I didn't have much motivation so I gave up and went to bed.

So, all in all, a wonderful weekend. And tonight is the first night I have to cook anything in almost 6 days - awesome! :)

I love it here!

Last night I had a dream that Charles and I were visiting my parents (in September) when my boss shows up at the house. I was a bit surprised but I invited him in and gave him a tour and then he told me that he and his wife Dana (Not Da as in Day, but Da as in Dan or can) were on their way to Rochester for a worship team practice but the pianist bailed and he wondered if I would fill in. (I didn't know Troy's wife's name until today. Apparently it's Sue. For some reason, my subconscious decided it was Dana. Wierd.) After talking for awhile I realized that his wife was sitting in the car and so we invited her in as well. I asked Charles if he wanted to go to Rochester and he said he would so we went outside to get in the car and there was SNOW on the ground. And quite a bit of it. There were a bunch of random kids in the year playing in it. I was so angry that it was only September and there was already snow. But we got in the car and went.

And then my dream switched and I was in a hospital waiting to be seen. But I had to use the bathroom so I went down the hall into what I thought was the bathroom, but it turned out to be the nurse's changing room. So I walked around some more and finally found a "bathroom." It was basically one toilet in a room with a door (with a very long line) and then a bunch of stalls with doors that didn't close all the way. (So, I hear about people that have dreams that they somehow end up in public naked. I have never had one of those. My fear, apparently, is having to go to the bathroom somewhere where everyone can see.) I knew that 1) I didn'twant to miss my appointment because I had been waiting forever and 2) I wasn't going to make it if I had to wait in the line for the bathroom with the door. So I just figured I'd sneak in discreetly.

Well, this obnoxious guy saw me and decided to do a song and dance about it. So before long, to my great embarrassment, there was a crowd. I kept asking this guy to leave me alone, but he wouldn't. Finally, Bill Singer (one of my dad's good friends who goes to our church) picked a fight with him to distract him so I could try and sneak off without being seen. I won't go into a lot of detail about the fight but I will note that it ended up with Bill giving the obnoxios guy a swirly in the toilet I had just used. Gross.

And once again I have to ask myself, what is wrong with my subconscious???

... Has been quite full. It has been full of work, it has been full of fun.
The job is coming along. In some ways I feel like the training has been really disjointed, so although I know how to do stuff, on a day to day basis I'm not really sure what I should be doing. That could be problematic in the future. However, the people are wonderful and it has been fun being back in Houghton.

The rest of our days have been full of fun, fun, fun! In the evenings/weekends we have spent our time reading out on the dock, or visiting with the neighbors, or having friends over for pizza and Monday Night Football, or going to friends homes. It is great to have so many friends in the area already and we are meeting more every day!

Also, this weekend we had the great pleasure of attending Cathy (Singer) and Kenan Carey's wedding. In a way it was like worlds colliding. Cathy is an old friend from Church and Kenan was in my class at school - so at the wedding we got to visit with people from both worlds. My favorite part was seeing some old friends from high school that I have not seen in years! It was great to catch up and see where their lives have taken them. In a way it has been hard for me because I was one of the few of the "gang" to leave. So hopefully, now that we are back in the area, we can spend some more time with them. Also, the wedding itself was just beautiful. Very simple and lovely. It is always wonderful to go to a wedding where you know the bride and groom love each other and love Jesus. And that was so evident during every part of the day. We had a great time.

To end, I have a sad but humorous story (at least to me).
Yesterday I decided to make Potato soup for dinner. Everything went well, and when it came time to put the soup in the blender, that's what I did. Well, stupid me forgot that I packed the plastic top to the blender inside the blender when we moved. (Usually I keep it in the utility drawer so I don't lose it.) But I didn't even think to look before I poured in the soup. I was alerted that there was a problem when the "potatoes" (which had been boiled) started crunching. I poured it out in a bowl and out fell the cap. It was missing a whole chunk from the top. I started thinking that maybe it wasn't such a big deal, but when I took a few bites of the soup I realized that it was full of tiny chunks of plastic.
So, in the end I had to throw away 3/4 of the batch. (Fortunately, not all of it fit in the blender so I did salvage a bit.) On a good note, one of our friends came over to watch football and ended up bringing pizza and amazing mozzerella balls. So although it made me sick to waste that much food, at least we didnt' go hungry! :)

Tonight we are having leftovers. It's hard to ruin something that is already made.